I have been talking to my therapist a lot lately about how can someone like me find love again after such a horrific experience. Being cheated on as much as I have been cheating on, certainly causes issues with trust. Trusting again is the big question. Am I so broken that I could never let another man back into my life? Has this experience ruined me for any future, truer love?
The idea of falling in love again scares me…
I’m horrified by the idea of it…really.
Can you relate?
What if this happens to me again? If betrayal happened to me again, I know I would not survive it. Its not that I don’t want to love again, I do, but it would take an extraordinary man to take me on, I am so broken. I feel like he would almost need to be a therapist. I even told this to my therapist. She laughed. I was being serious.
How do I let someone else in my life after such a complete, and total betrayal?
Then there is the thing that most men have been exposed to pornography, to one degree or another. If they were to confess that to me, how do I keep from freaking out over such a frank revelation?
So here is what I know about me…
Any man who loves me will:
- Need to be completely open, honest and transparent with me
- Go through couples therapy with me for as long as it takes
- Willing to learn how to deal with someone who has PTSD
- Willing to build trust with me over time
- Be a righteous priesthood holder with a current temple recommend
- Initiate daily prayer and scripture study
- Go to addiction recovery classes, even if he doesn’t have an addiction
And what all of this tells me, is that I need something that maybe does not exist. I am waiting for a Unicorn. I’m hoping I might be able to find one, because I still believe in magic.
The Cupcake Warrior
Stay Sweet, Be Strong