Addiction and betrayal trauma make very strange bedfellows. This is the one thing that will separate your from your husband and actually work against both of you to prevent recovery. It’s a sucky place to be in.
His brain has been re-wired to lie to you. Your brain has been re-wired to be in constant fear of his lies. It will feel like a no-win situation, and it will be, if neither of you, or one of you will not agree to get help. If he doesn’t get help, his brain will instruct him to constantly lie to you, keep his secret from you at all costs! If you do not get help, then you will never be able to trust him again. This is just the facts! The chemicals that flood the mind and body in addiction and betrayal trauma will insure that he stays in his addiction and that you will stay in fight, flight or freeze. Everyone’s brains have been hijacked. Getting help is the only way to take back the control that both of you have lost.
Addiction and Betrayal Trauma are the yin and yang of marriage destruction. It’s a spinning vortex of pain and panic. A swirling mess of brains in breakdown, throwing your once peaceful lives, into total chaos. That’s the bad news.
The good news is that this can be fixed. But it will take both of you willingly fighting for each other. You will both have to get fully into recovery and stay there for 3-5 years. Now isn’t the time to blame him for getting you into this mess. Now is the time for both of you to be willing to get out of it. Complete recovery is possible if you are both willing to work all of the recovery steps, all of them, not just the ones you like. The experts say that all of the recovery steps, working together, will lead to complete recovery. Any shortcuts or bad attitudes, will lead to failure, 100% of the time. So you have to choose. Go all in and save yourselves and your marriage, or do it half heartedly, or worse, not at all, and fail.
So what’s it going to be for you…success, or failure.
My whole blog is about what happens when one of you chooses failure. Unfortunately, if one of you decides to not choose each other and the marriage, you both lose. This is the very meaning of being equally yoked together in the marriage covenant. If one of you chooses to lay down and not pull their weight in th yoke, neither one of you can go on for very long. My Ex just laid down in the yoke. I couldn’t pull him anymore on my own. So in order for me to survive, I had to take off the yoke and continue on my own…without him. To this day, I still wish he had chosen me! It is, for me, the saddest of all stories. A cautionary tale. Nothing is more tragic than being further betrayed by a spouse that will not fight for you.
You get to choose…choose wisely.
Stay Sweet, Be Strong!
The Cupcake Warrior