I’ve been thinking of transformation a lot since my ex-husband’s betrayal. It is quite unsettling when your whole world is dumped on its head and then destroyed. After more than 3 decades I am left wondering, “what was my life all for?” It feels like such a waste of…well…everything. The life we built together is totally gone, and the only things left standing are me, the kids, and grandkids. The shining jewels in my crown, and if the price I had to pay to have them in my life as it is now, then so be it! It was more than worth the cost. So what now?
I am no spring chicken, I turned 60 years old this year. Not exactly the time of life I wanted to start over, but, oh well. Considering the alternatives I had to choose from, a new life it is. A metamorphism into what I was always meant to be:
“a change of the form or nature of a thing or person into a completely different one, by natural or supernatural means.”
The question I have been pondering for the past 4 years has been, “who am I, and who am I meant to be?” More importantly, who does God want me to be? The heavens have seemed to be silent on the subject…until now. Little did I know that I have been led to the answer every step of the way, here a little, there a little. Until the answer was finally shown to me…yesterday. Finally, I have a direction and a clear path called: The Deborah Principle. I invite you to follow me on this journey of finding myself and my purpose.
I have had more than one therapist tell me that when a major trauma happens in your life many people go off the deep end. It’s a phenomenon that causes people to take unbelievable risks with their lives. After all, what else do you have to lose at this point? I chose to have a more measured response by thoughtfully and meditatively exploring the possibilities of who I am meant to be. This is the first time in my life I can do what I want without other people standing around me with a long list of “shoulds.” For example, my Ex was all about appearances. We had to look a certain way, act a certain way so that we would look good to other people, especially at church. Now it seems laughable to me! His outside looked like the perfect, righteous, priesthood holder, but his insides were all rotted out. I say, never judge a book by its cover, so my first change came in the form of gray and purple hair. I was going gray anyway at a rate that was suddenly accelerated by all the nonsense in my life, so, hey, why not? Purple hair it is. One “should” down the drain…
The first step in breaking down barriers, and blowing up conventional wisdom of a religious culture than has zero to do with the conversion of the heart. Conversion of the heart is so much more than an outward persona, my Ex taught me that much. So purple hair it is! With that out-of-the-way, it was on to things of more substance. Who Am I, really? What do I like? What music is MY favorite, what are MY favorite foods, what do I like to do in my spare time? I have pondered these and many other questions in exploring who I really am. I am not anywhere near the ability to answer most of them, however, I can tell you who I am not – I am not the “go along, to get along girl” anymore. If I have an idea, or opinion, or thought that matters to me I express it. Life is too short to acquiesce to everyone else, if something really matters to me. I am not talking about being a bully and ram-rodding yourself all over everyone else, “my way or the highway,” attitude. I am talking about speaking up in places I would normally stay silent to just keep the peace, while silently killing my soul. Where it matters to me, I now speak up.
I spent many hours, days, weeks, months and years in prayer asking God who he wanted me to be. He has been silent. His silence was very upsetting to me. All I wanted was to be who He thought I should be. I had been through so much pain, I just wanted it to go away. My plan was that I would submit to whatever He wanted of me, just to make the awful, horrible, soul crushing pain to go away. Whatever you want, Heavenly Father, I will do it, just let this pain stop! Please! No answer. That “not answering” thing is huge a trigger for me. My Ex ignored me to distraction. I can’t handle the deafening silence of being ignored. Feeling so alone, so abandoned, was not what I needed, or so I thought. It’s been four long years of nearly total silence. It turns out, that a loving Heavenly Father had quite another experience for me in mind. He wanted me to be able to decide, for myself, what I wanted to be without any undo influence or input from Him. He wasn’t ignoring me at all! He was trusting me to decide who and what I wanted to be, knowing all along that I would make the right choices. I can imagine that it was as hard for Him to bite his tongue as it was for me to have Him be so quiet! I had been prepared for this moment and He knew it. I am in awe of His complete trust and faith in me! Even though He was silent, He did give me lots of choices. And with what I have discovered, I think it is safe to say that I chose the right…
Let the metamorphosis begin!